State of the Mono + Story/Tec Updates
Hi everyone!
I was on the fence about writing this, but enough people have asked here or on Twitter about my lack of activity, so I thought I should try and write something. Originally I didn’t want to because I felt bad that here was another blogpost explaining the shit I’m going through, but didn’t I leave Fimfiction so I wouldn’t feel that way anymore?
So here I am.
I’m going to divide everything into sections, including individual updates on stories, but for a TL;DR, the past six months of my life have been insurmountably difficult on me, and it’s only just begun to ease up. I still want to write but it’s been hard. But I still want to, which I figure counts for something.
I’ll start with the general life stuff and then go to stories.
JOB
There’s not much to say here except that my current job is draining the life out of me. It has been for a while, and extremely so in the past few months where I get home so exhausted I can’t even think. I particularly had a coworker who would undermine me so much for so long that it just ruined my self-esteem and confidence. They left a few months ago, and though I’ve managed to build some of it back up, it’s still very much still in the ruined area. I’ve also held off looking for a different job because I’m going to school next year, and because my bosses are nice people even if they’re god-awful bosses. But I can’t anymore. I miss feeling alive, lol. I’ve finally just started applying for other jobs, but obviously, this comes with the crushing blow of rejections and anxiety and feeling like I’m not going to get out. It’s been really rough.
HOME SITUATION
I haven’t really addressed this anywhere else, but I think I sort of can now. My home situation for the past few months was not great—through no fault of anyone, it’s important to add. Sometimes a good situation just comes to an end, and that’s okay. Unfortunately, because of my mental health being drained both at home and at work, for the longest time it felt like I was a shell. I only just recently moved out, and though I think it was the right choice and the relationships I cared about have started to heal, it’s still rough. There’s been moving, and getting acclimated, plus this was a lot more expensive than I anticipated, so it’s just been A Lot. I also had a personal problem spring up that was brutal to deal with, and I’m still dealing with the lasting damages it caused, but… But it’s improving and I’m working on it. Healing is slow, but it’s there.
MENTAL HEALTH
I’m gonna keep it short, because the next segment will be long. My mental health has been in the shitter. There’s really no other way to put it. Between work stuff, and home stuff, and just stuff happening one after the other, and also world in general stuff, I’ve been dead. I also feel guilt for not writing and guilt for selling my books at Everfree and just guilt for everything. I feel like every day my life is shit, and every day all I can think is “It’s my fault”. I am trying my best to overcome it, and work on it, and going to therapy and all that, but it is so hard. I barely feel human. I feel like I’m on auto-pilot, mindlessly going through it because what is the point?
Which leads me to
WRITING
Welp.
I miss writing. I miss missing writing. But with just how ruinous this entire year has been, every day is a struggle to want to do it. I’m still doing it and am trying because I want to despite it all, but every day is a fight against the voices saying “who cares, it’s just stories, just cancel them and move on”.
I remember the saying “writing is a lonely job”. I never got that or felt that way, but now I get it. I feel so alone with my writing (except for with Crimson/Sapphire). Every day it gets harder and harder to not convince myself that finishing stories isn’t worth it, and no one cares, and everyone’s moved on. I wish I had a glory story, that I left Fimfiction, and all was well, and I’m thriving.
But I’m not! And I knew it would be hard, and it is, but with everything going on it’s just been too much. So many aspects of my life have beaten me down to such a level, to a place where I can’t see the point to anything, so it’s easy to convince myself others don’t. I don’t know. I’m just struggling. But I’m trying. I’m writing little drabbles and oneshots and trying. I am, even if it’s hard.
There’s a tweet I really love that’s like “If I owe you an email, please find some comfort in the fact that my every waking hour is haunted by my debt to you.”
Well, if I haven’t finished a story, please find some comfort in the fact that my every waking hour is haunted by my debt to you/myself.
Still in this topic, I will address three stories and give a generalized update on them.
TRAVELERS OF CAELUM
Quick and simple. This is still cancelled until I finish my other two big fics. I want to finish this, but considering everything going on, I’m not giving anyone hope until I feel it’s actually viable.
SAPPHIRE EYES
Sapphire Eyes is on pause right now while I recover my writing muse, but it will be updated as soon as that happens. Crimsonverse is probably the only thing in my life right now still beating if only because it’s good enough I’m using it for my Grad School applications. And because I recently saw the theatre version of Moulin Rouge and that really inspired me. But Crimson is okay right now.
THE ENCHANTED CAROUSEL
I’m going to be blunt with this because I need to be, for my sake and yours.
TEC is on what could be considered life-support right now. I am so exhausted by life, like I said, beaten down to a point where I don’t know if anything matters anymore, and TEC and the Enchanted Series as always is the one that suffers the most.
I am struggling to find a reason to finish this. I thought I could do it support entirely by my own love for the series, but when I have no love or life left to give, I don’t know what else to do. I feel so alone writing this series. And right now, in this state, I can’t bear another year or two of the effort it is to write this and write it well, only to feel alone, like I’m putting so much work for something that so little will enjoy.
I recognize that’s toxic. God, I know that relying on external validation is the root of all evil, and it’s not right, and you shouldn’t, but God, I am fighting and failing to find a point to trying to finish it at all. It’s part of the reason I haven’t updated even though I know how the next chapter goes. Because I’m so afraid that I’ll go through it, get excited about the series again, post it, and feel like it didn’t even matter, like it was a blip in the radar.
I don’t regret leaving Fimfiction, that place was not good for me (highlighted by some really disturbing stuff that was said about me there recently), and I thought TEC would survive the transition and loss of audience, but every passing day, I’m starting to feel it won’t. Maybe if my life hadn’t been a shitshow for so long, it would have.
And yet.
And yet, I was recently re-reading Crimson Lips in preparation for selling it at EFNW and I came across an excerpt that felt strikingly apt. Painfully so, almost.
I turned to the Lady when she sniffled, the both of us looking at each other as we earlier had when I’d first arrived. There was still love there. That’s the worst part of it, I think. The fact that there was still life beating in the mangled pulsing flesh that was the heart of our relationship.
Everything I was, I was because of her.
Crimson Lips, “22. ‘Till The Streets Bleed Like Our Hearts”
In so many ways, I am who I am right now because of The Enchanted series. I am living in Los Angeles because of it, I met my closest best friends because of it, I am who I am as a writer because of these stories that are so much a part of me that they’re the first to bleed when I am bleeding.
Nothing hurts me more to a visceral level than struggling with TEC. But I’m struggling, and it hurts, and it feels like shit, and it feels so much easier to quit just so I can stop feeling this way. But I can’t. I don’t want to.
A long time ago, when I was struggling with finishing The Enchanted Library, I was telling my dear friend Cynewulf about it and she said this to me:
It would be a sad thing to quit. (It is always a sad thing to quit just about anything that isn’t a drug of some sort. And even then, subjectively one FEELS sad, as if some thing or other has been lost. That is the cruel thing about addiction.) Not only would it be sad for your readers and, I confess, myself, but it would also be sad for you. The relief that comes from throwing off a long-held and dear burden is immediate but shortlived. The regret follows you for much, much longer.
I think about this quote so much. Because it’s true. If I choose to quit the story, it will haunt me until I die. But I am struggling. The regret is starting to feel like something I can live with, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to quit, I have been thinking about the ending of this stupid series for so fucking long, I want to see it through.
So, I am fighting agains my shame and guilt to ask a favor of you, if you are reading this and care.
If you care about TEC, if you are in any way invested in seeing it finished, if you care, then please help me. I’m asking for help. If you have favorite passages, post them, or talk about them I don’t know. If you’re on the Discord server, you have my blanket permission to harass me for updates, to poke me about it, I don’t know. If you care, if you want to see this finished, help me believe that there’s a point to it.
I know people care. I know this on brain level, I know this, but right now I am so deep in the hole, that I need to be pummeled with hammers to see it. This isn’t about my writing. It’s just about TEC and The Enchanted series. If you care about them, in any way you can, please metaphorically hold my hand and help me walk until I don’t need the help.
“I have to help Princess Luna and the others. I’m sorry. I can’t give up on them.”
Now Rarity reacted, her hoof flying down to her chest. “I know that. I would never dream of asking you to do that. I’m just… If you get hurt, or…”
“I know,” Twilight said, gently. Remorsefully, her ears folding back. “And I wish I could, but I can’t promise you I won’t get hurt. I can’t promise you something won’t set me off, or I won’t lose myself again, or Discord won’t hurt me, or… Or that I won’t blame myself anymore because I’ve been doing it for centuries! That’s a lot of years of bad habits to break! But…
“But I’m going to get better. Even if it’s hard. I won’t be great at it all the time, and even though I’m statistically likely to have tons of regressions, I’m still going to keep getting better no matter how long it takes me, whether you’re there or not.”
The Enchanted Kingdom, “Chapter 22 – The Filly Who Believed”
I’m going to finish TEC. I know this. Sooner or later, I will, be it in ten years or twenty or three or four. Just like Twilight will work through the fifty million traumas I saddled her with even if it takes ten years or twenty or three or four.
But if you, like Rarity, care and want to be part of that journey, I am stuck real deep in my underground library and could use some help in getting out of being dead displaced.
-Mono
- Story
Crimson Lips
Amidst the beautiful and unforgiving city of Canterlot, where prejudice is rampant and passion even more so, two women forge an unlikely bond and explore the answer to a simple question: is selling your body the same as selling yourself?- 822 • Nov 8, '21
- 2.6 K • Nov 20, '21
- 2.4 K • Nov 20, '21
Once upon a time, there was a mare who did not believe in fairytales, and a very different mare who did not believe in herself. Their lives intertwined, weaving together a fairytale like no other, filled with chaos and love, friends and enemies, adventures and tragedies. A fairytale they felt would last forever. But it couldn’t.- 2.2 K • Dec 8, '21
- 2.5 K • Dec 8, '21
- 9.0 K • Dec 17, '21
Honestly I don’t believe in that no external validation shit. No one is an island. If art is communication then having someone to communicate to is not optional.
I wouldn’t have learned to make semi-passable art if I, upon posting some junk to dA, hadn’t immediately gotten comments and gotten hooked on a feeling. I did it first because I was inspired by others, and then the drive to continue was born from others validating that effort. Sure, you have to be able to weather gaps because others can’t always be relied upon to know or be able to give what you need, but expecting your inner artist to create forever for nothing is like expecting that people would be able to live without food or water if they just cared enough about living. It’s bullshit.
This is why I get kind of internally upset when I see creators post about how hard it is to finish one thing or another and a bunch of goddess damned hugboxers show up to say that it’s fine, you can take all the time you need or cancel forever, we’ll live, you come first. Can’t y’all recognize fishing for people who care about the work? The last thing I’d want to see in my comments is proof that people don’t care enough about my work to want to beat it out of me.
Anyway you better write down how Celestia is getting broken out of that damn waterfall or I will find you. Or what the hell Rarity is doing hiding out with North Ridge, or what Pinkie and Luna are gonna do now. Yeah the purple gfs may be the core but there’s so much going on and everyone already memes them to death. Your rebuilt Equestria is too good to be discorded forever.
I’m a dedicated lurker. I almost never post or say anything; I just read. Maybe that’s a mistake, but I just rarely have anything to say so I don’t say much. I’m going to find the words here, if it has even a chance of helping you.
First of all, I want to say that if you decide not to finish it, I will understand and I get it. Sometimes, you have to do things, or give things up, for yourself. I have a personal project that I share online, and I do it for myself first, because if I worried about others first, I’d be miserable and come to hate it. You pour your heart and time and energy into it, and while it is widely appreciated, you also don’t owe anyone else anything. I’m telling you, as one of your readers, that it is okay if you feel just so burned out and so sick of it and so much like you can’t find the spark to keep it going with everything else going on in your life that you want to abandon it forever. In that instance, I hope you’ll at least provide some type of wrap-up summary, but that makes it harder to decide to pick back up later, I’d imagine.
All of that said, I TEL/TEK/TEC is one of my top five favorite story series in the MLP space. It has multiple points that make me tear up or otherwise pack a huge emotional punch, and sometimes, I go back and read just those moments when I want an emotional punch because it never gets old. Specifically, and I may get the chapter numbers wrong, but I think it’ll be clear:
1) TEL end of Chapter 11, when Luna appears in Rarity’s dream. That moment hits hard for a lot of reasons, and I think I’ve worked out at least some of them. First, the whole story sort of hints that Pinkie knows Luna, but there’s a lot of reasons to doubt it, and this is the moment it snaps into certainty. But then there’s also the heroic initial appearance, which is itself amazing. And, of course, she’s wearing a pendant with Pinkie’s cutie mark. What a symbol!
2) TEL end of Chapter 32. I say that, but really that whole stretch of chapters from the beginning of the curse through the end. I feel like I always read it in a rush, like I’m as frantic as Rarity is. But the end of Chapter 32… wow. That whole bit, starting from when Rarity walks into the library, all the way to the end of the chapter. So powerful. So moving. And it’s a really nice moment, a moment of relief after many chapters of agony.
3) TEL end of Chapter 35. The hints were there all along, and I missed them the first time through. But Rarity tossing the stone through Cadance, and then the line “Cadance the first and only” is just such a gut punch. The reader thinks the surprises are over, but then there’s this one, and it’s completely from left field, or it was for me. The reader finds out just how deep the rabbit hole goes. Outstanding writing.
4) TEK end of Chapter 4 or 5, can’t remember which. The scene where Twilight first meets Cadance. Using the sunshine song in that way is so devastating, but then Cadance is trying to put her best spin on her situation as well.
Those are the ones I’ve read most, because I picked up the story for the first time somewhere around when you were in the early chapters of TEK. But there are a few moments that I think are similarly impactful later on in TEK:
5) Twilight discovering she is the cause of Rarity’s nightmares. I admit I didn’t get it the first read through, but I get it now, and once I figured it out, it caught me by surprise, but it also makes perfect sense.
6) Luna becoming Nightmare Moon. It’s just… wow.
7) Rarity in the library. I like the misdirect at the beginning where it’s written intentionally to mislead into thinking it’s Twilight, but it’s not. Masterful. And that whole scene is just amazing, and I love Twilight basically shoving Nightmare Moon out of the way while she deals with the problems of the relationship.
8) The whole conclusion, from the bears, to Incantation’s nightmare, to Twilight stealing control of the dream realm from Nightmare Moon, to Luna freeing herself, to Cadance seeing the night sky and knowing she’s back. It’s hard to highlight any particular moment of it; it’s all just so good.
9) Pinkie and Luna finally meeting in the real world. So adorable, and so well-earned. A long awaited pay-off that feels so rewarding.
If you notice, as I go along, it’s harder to get specific. I’d probably have to read it again and pick some out toward the end of TEK.
I have these stories saved to my phone, because when I’m on flights (about once per year), I reread them. And once I pick it up, it’s hard to put down again. It usually takes up my attention to the exclusion of everything else, even though I’ve read them multiple times.
You clearly have an amazing talent and these stories have been phenomenal. I do hope you complete TEC. But I will live if you find you need to let it go.
Thank you for message, Eddie, and for the support. I appreciate that even though you feel you don’t have much to say, you still said something regardless because this was a very lovely message. Even though I don’t owe anyone or even myself to finish it, I couldn’t have lived with myself if I didn’t, and it has helped me so much to see that I’m not alone as my demons made me feel I was.
I actually didn’t discover TEL until last December, but I liked it so much I binged both fics over a week and a half or so. Not many stories have gotten me to do that. My favorite part is probably when Twilight finally got out in the finale, the wall of support messages made me tear up a bit.
I also just love Hollow Shades in general, the town’s culture is really interesting. Plus Pinkie and Luna are adorable.
Thank you for telling me Stealth! ;-;
And honestly, I agree re: Hollow Shades. Probably the reason TEK ended up being so much about Luna is because I just love Hollow Shades lmao
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, these books (the Enchanted series) literally changed my life. I own a pair of the physical copies of TEL, and they’re heavily dogeared and well used at this point. This fall, I’m graduating from college and will be applying for Masters programs, and that never would have happened if I hadn’t started reading TEL all those years ago and realized that I’d never be happy if I didn’t do what I’d always wanted to do, which was to write and to teach. I’m planning on coming out to pick up a physical copy of Crimson at EFNW, and I hope the many voices of support here in the comments, on discord, and in person at EFNW help lift your spirit and show you that you’re not alone with this story. It means so incredibly much to so many of us.
Maybe the quote I’m including, one of my favorite parts of TEL, is a little soft and fluffy, but that’s part of what makes it great, especially since you do such a wonderful job of moving between those soft moments and moments of intense anguish and/or action so masterfully.
“In the same way Twilight was fascinated by the spell, Rarity herself was fascinated by Twilight. Everything about her intrigued Rarity, from the way she could effortlessly yet awkwardly go from regal princess to inelegant mare, to the way her smile made Rarity want to smile, and how adorable she was when she got excited, and how she cared for everypony, and… and…
In that moment, as a blush crept up her face and her hoof unconsciously reached for her necklace, it dawned on her that everything she felt towards Twilight, all the butterflies in her stomach, all the start idle thoughts constantly creeping into her mind, the desire to see her and talk to her and be alone with her…
All of these things were things she’s felt toward the last pony she’s seen as more than a friend.”
Of course, there are a ton of other moments in this series that are incredible. Your ability to achieve powerful catharsis in your writing is astounding. Both Twilight’s and Rarity’s journeys are filled with so much painful growth and love and meaningful struggle, and I’ve laughed and cried more reading these fics than I have reading almost anything else, and my life is made better for having your stories in it.
Thank you, and I hope you can find joy in writing these stories again.
Thank you so much, Gear. I’m sure I’ll just tell you in person at EFNW but i’ve always really really appreciated and treasured your support. I’m really glad to hear I’ve been able to help you when you needed it, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that you’ve been there for me when I needed it
It’s easy to support you as a creator and all these stories because they’re just genuinely good and meaningful and you’ve been nothing but inspirational and kind. Can’t wait to stop by and say hi (and to pick up a copy of Crimson)!
I wish my memory wasn’t so shredded right now, I would love to post my favorite passages but it will have to wait for if and when I re-read this series because I plan to. But there are genuinely so many things to like about the TEL series.
My favorite parts are the way the story has evolved with you and because of you, and the way the story has shaped you; the parts of the story that come from you, that you’ve shared with us; the parts that are simply a triumph for merely existing.
My favorite parts are the way you write this story with such love in your heart for the characters, the way Rarity was, at the time, apparently such an unexpected protagonist for a story like this that you did something revolutionary, that her importance cannot be understated; the way Twilight has grown and changed, how they both still have so much to do together; how each character in this new universe is still connected to each other, each in its own unique and believable way; the way certain lines will come to me at the most random moments of time and it hits me like it did the first time, the way I will probably pay homage to them in my own media.
My favorite parts are the ways in which this story will live on in all that you have shared it with, how that can never be taken from you no matter what you do with it. I would love to see this series completed – that you, my friend, can say I finished this, regardless of it is reworked into something original – but if you truly decide the best choice for you is to let it go, take comfort in how it will always exist because all of us carry it with us, because of you.
rachel im going to CRY
Hey buddy look first I wanna say I’m sorry I get life can be really hectic at times but look I know I don’t know you personally but I am proud that you still matched to push through everything and as for your story I am I was never really into this stuff that much until I found the enchanted Library it drove me nuts how good that was I mean seriously I just want you to know take as much time as you need and I’m only on this rarely but if there’s a back and forth option I’m down for it just hang in there figure stuff out we’ll be waiting for you buddy
Thank you, Colin ;-; I was feeling really down in the hole, and you and everyone else have really helped make it less daunting to stand back up. I’m actually excited and eager to write again, and that means more to me than you can know.
Mono I saw what you posted about what happens later in the story, and you need to write it.
TEL and TEK are both fantastic works, and I bought / intend to buy the physical copies of both. The entire emotional arc of TEK was amazing and very emotional, with it hitting really hard. I really want to see how you handle the later developments.
Thank you, Sigma <3 I appreciate you very much, and I'm really grateful you've always stuck by even despite my bajillion ups and downs ckjfklf
….for me, the most memorable parts of TEL and TEK are their respective climaxes. Twilight finally overcoming herself and breaking out of her library in TEL, Rarity finally telling Twilight exactly how she feels in the middle of the confrontation with Nightmare Moon in TEK…..the latter especially I absolutely loved. The moment it clicked for me why you wrote TEK in Twilight’s perspective. And then….ah, here’s one of my favorite parts
from earlier in Ch. 22 of TEK.
Thank you for commenting! And yess, I really love that part. From the very beginning I always knew TEK was going to be about Twilight having to find out and deal with the aftereffect of her choice at the end of TEL. I could have done it from Rarity;s POV, and I’m sure it would have still been a fine fic, but it was Twilight who needed to learn and understand.
God, I dont know if I could possibly quote every single one of my favorite moments- Id practically just be posting the enchanted stories in their entirety! I have loved every single chapter of all three books so far. I have laughed, smiled, and cried while reading these stories and they hold an extremely special place in my heart. So- even if i takes you fifty years to finish them, I will 100% be here every step of the way.
Here are some of my fav moments. It be long lol:
From TEL:
THIS WHOLE SEGMENT:
From TEK:
Thank you, Gigi! <3 ;-; It means a lot to hear that.
Also, man, I haven’t re-read TEK in so long, and these excerpts hit me hard lmao
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It’s awful to know that you are, and how badly it’s affecting you. I really hope that life will turn around and start being good to you again.
I usually find it hard to pick out specific passages I enjoy. So I guess I can pick out Twilight’s arc in TEL, how it reflects on my own life. Being trapped in your own grief and self blame, then eventually overcoming that, and helped along by my loving girlfriend and the light of my life.
I kinda made a similar promise to myself. It’s a constant journey, but I’m trying.
Thank you, Ashley <3 We will both get better, step by step.