State of the Mono + Story/Tec Updates
Hi everyone!
I was on the fence about writing this, but enough people have asked here or on Twitter about my lack of activity, so I thought I should try and write something. Originally I didn’t want to because I felt bad that here was another blogpost explaining the shit I’m going through, but didn’t I leave Fimfiction so I wouldn’t feel that way anymore?
So here I am.
I’m going to divide everything into sections, including individual updates on stories, but for a TL;DR, the past six months of my life have been insurmountably difficult on me, and it’s only just begun to ease up. I still want to write but it’s been hard. But I still want to, which I figure counts for something.
I’ll start with the general life stuff and then go to stories.
JOB
There’s not much to say here except that my current job is draining the life out of me. It has been for a while, and extremely so in the past few months where I get home so exhausted I can’t even think. I particularly had a coworker who would undermine me so much for so long that it just ruined my self-esteem and confidence. They left a few months ago, and though I’ve managed to build some of it back up, it’s still very much still in the ruined area. I’ve also held off looking for a different job because I’m going to school next year, and because my bosses are nice people even if they’re god-awful bosses. But I can’t anymore. I miss feeling alive, lol. I’ve finally just started applying for other jobs, but obviously, this comes with the crushing blow of rejections and anxiety and feeling like I’m not going to get out. It’s been really rough.
HOME SITUATION
I haven’t really addressed this anywhere else, but I think I sort of can now. My home situation for the past few months was not great—through no fault of anyone, it’s important to add. Sometimes a good situation just comes to an end, and that’s okay. Unfortunately, because of my mental health being drained both at home and at work, for the longest time it felt like I was a shell. I only just recently moved out, and though I think it was the right choice and the relationships I cared about have started to heal, it’s still rough. There’s been moving, and getting acclimated, plus this was a lot more expensive than I anticipated, so it’s just been A Lot. I also had a personal problem spring up that was brutal to deal with, and I’m still dealing with the lasting damages it caused, but… But it’s improving and I’m working on it. Healing is slow, but it’s there.
MENTAL HEALTH
I’m gonna keep it short, because the next segment will be long. My mental health has been in the shitter. There’s really no other way to put it. Between work stuff, and home stuff, and just stuff happening one after the other, and also world in general stuff, I’ve been dead. I also feel guilt for not writing and guilt for selling my books at Everfree and just guilt for everything. I feel like every day my life is shit, and every day all I can think is “It’s my fault”. I am trying my best to overcome it, and work on it, and going to therapy and all that, but it is so hard. I barely feel human. I feel like I’m on auto-pilot, mindlessly going through it because what is the point?
Which leads me to
WRITING
Welp.
I miss writing. I miss missing writing. But with just how ruinous this entire year has been, every day is a struggle to want to do it. I’m still doing it and am trying because I want to despite it all, but every day is a fight against the voices saying “who cares, it’s just stories, just cancel them and move on”.
I remember the saying “writing is a lonely job”. I never got that or felt that way, but now I get it. I feel so alone with my writing (except for with Crimson/Sapphire). Every day it gets harder and harder to not convince myself that finishing stories isn’t worth it, and no one cares, and everyone’s moved on. I wish I had a glory story, that I left Fimfiction, and all was well, and I’m thriving.
But I’m not! And I knew it would be hard, and it is, but with everything going on it’s just been too much. So many aspects of my life have beaten me down to such a level, to a place where I can’t see the point to anything, so it’s easy to convince myself others don’t. I don’t know. I’m just struggling. But I’m trying. I’m writing little drabbles and oneshots and trying. I am, even if it’s hard.
There’s a tweet I really love that’s like “If I owe you an email, please find some comfort in the fact that my every waking hour is haunted by my debt to you.”
Well, if I haven’t finished a story, please find some comfort in the fact that my every waking hour is haunted by my debt to you/myself.
Still in this topic, I will address three stories and give a generalized update on them.
TRAVELERS OF CAELUM
Quick and simple. This is still cancelled until I finish my other two big fics. I want to finish this, but considering everything going on, I’m not giving anyone hope until I feel it’s actually viable.
SAPPHIRE EYES
Sapphire Eyes is on pause right now while I recover my writing muse, but it will be updated as soon as that happens. Crimsonverse is probably the only thing in my life right now still beating if only because it’s good enough I’m using it for my Grad School applications. And because I recently saw the theatre version of Moulin Rouge and that really inspired me. But Crimson is okay right now.
THE ENCHANTED CAROUSEL
I’m going to be blunt with this because I need to be, for my sake and yours.
TEC is on what could be considered life-support right now. I am so exhausted by life, like I said, beaten down to a point where I don’t know if anything matters anymore, and TEC and the Enchanted Series as always is the one that suffers the most.
I am struggling to find a reason to finish this. I thought I could do it support entirely by my own love for the series, but when I have no love or life left to give, I don’t know what else to do. I feel so alone writing this series. And right now, in this state, I can’t bear another year or two of the effort it is to write this and write it well, only to feel alone, like I’m putting so much work for something that so little will enjoy.
I recognize that’s toxic. God, I know that relying on external validation is the root of all evil, and it’s not right, and you shouldn’t, but God, I am fighting and failing to find a point to trying to finish it at all. It’s part of the reason I haven’t updated even though I know how the next chapter goes. Because I’m so afraid that I’ll go through it, get excited about the series again, post it, and feel like it didn’t even matter, like it was a blip in the radar.
I don’t regret leaving Fimfiction, that place was not good for me (highlighted by some really disturbing stuff that was said about me there recently), and I thought TEC would survive the transition and loss of audience, but every passing day, I’m starting to feel it won’t. Maybe if my life hadn’t been a shitshow for so long, it would have.
And yet.
And yet, I was recently re-reading Crimson Lips in preparation for selling it at EFNW and I came across an excerpt that felt strikingly apt. Painfully so, almost.
I turned to the Lady when she sniffled, the both of us looking at each other as we earlier had when I’d first arrived. There was still love there. That’s the worst part of it, I think. The fact that there was still life beating in the mangled pulsing flesh that was the heart of our relationship.
Everything I was, I was because of her.
Crimson Lips, “22. ‘Till The Streets Bleed Like Our Hearts”
In so many ways, I am who I am right now because of The Enchanted series. I am living in Los Angeles because of it, I met my closest best friends because of it, I am who I am as a writer because of these stories that are so much a part of me that they’re the first to bleed when I am bleeding.
Nothing hurts me more to a visceral level than struggling with TEC. But I’m struggling, and it hurts, and it feels like shit, and it feels so much easier to quit just so I can stop feeling this way. But I can’t. I don’t want to.
A long time ago, when I was struggling with finishing The Enchanted Library, I was telling my dear friend Cynewulf about it and she said this to me:
It would be a sad thing to quit. (It is always a sad thing to quit just about anything that isn’t a drug of some sort. And even then, subjectively one FEELS sad, as if some thing or other has been lost. That is the cruel thing about addiction.) Not only would it be sad for your readers and, I confess, myself, but it would also be sad for you. The relief that comes from throwing off a long-held and dear burden is immediate but shortlived. The regret follows you for much, much longer.
I think about this quote so much. Because it’s true. If I choose to quit the story, it will haunt me until I die. But I am struggling. The regret is starting to feel like something I can live with, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to quit, I have been thinking about the ending of this stupid series for so fucking long, I want to see it through.
So, I am fighting agains my shame and guilt to ask a favor of you, if you are reading this and care.
If you care about TEC, if you are in any way invested in seeing it finished, if you care, then please help me. I’m asking for help. If you have favorite passages, post them, or talk about them I don’t know. If you’re on the Discord server, you have my blanket permission to harass me for updates, to poke me about it, I don’t know. If you care, if you want to see this finished, help me believe that there’s a point to it.
I know people care. I know this on brain level, I know this, but right now I am so deep in the hole, that I need to be pummeled with hammers to see it. This isn’t about my writing. It’s just about TEC and The Enchanted series. If you care about them, in any way you can, please metaphorically hold my hand and help me walk until I don’t need the help.
“I have to help Princess Luna and the others. I’m sorry. I can’t give up on them.”
Now Rarity reacted, her hoof flying down to her chest. “I know that. I would never dream of asking you to do that. I’m just… If you get hurt, or…”
“I know,” Twilight said, gently. Remorsefully, her ears folding back. “And I wish I could, but I can’t promise you I won’t get hurt. I can’t promise you something won’t set me off, or I won’t lose myself again, or Discord won’t hurt me, or… Or that I won’t blame myself anymore because I’ve been doing it for centuries! That’s a lot of years of bad habits to break! But…
“But I’m going to get better. Even if it’s hard. I won’t be great at it all the time, and even though I’m statistically likely to have tons of regressions, I’m still going to keep getting better no matter how long it takes me, whether you’re there or not.”
The Enchanted Kingdom, “Chapter 22 – The Filly Who Believed”
I’m going to finish TEC. I know this. Sooner or later, I will, be it in ten years or twenty or three or four. Just like Twilight will work through the fifty million traumas I saddled her with even if it takes ten years or twenty or three or four.
But if you, like Rarity, care and want to be part of that journey, I am stuck real deep in my underground library and could use some help in getting out of being dead displaced.
-Mono
- Story
Crimson Lips
Amidst the beautiful and unforgiving city of Canterlot, where prejudice is rampant and passion even more so, two women forge an unlikely bond and explore the answer to a simple question: is selling your body the same as selling yourself?- 822 • Nov 8, '21
- 2.6 K • Nov 20, '21
- 2.4 K • Nov 20, '21
Once upon a time, there was a mare who did not believe in fairytales, and a very different mare who did not believe in herself. Their lives intertwined, weaving together a fairytale like no other, filled with chaos and love, friends and enemies, adventures and tragedies. A fairytale they felt would last forever. But it couldn’t.- 2.2 K • Dec 8, '21
- 2.5 K • Dec 8, '21
- 9.0 K • Dec 17, '21
Hello Mono 🙂
It’s been a while and I know that I haven’t been as active as I was at commenting stuff since I’m usually the “lurker” type of person, but the recent e-mail notifications made me come here and here I am (a week later after the blog was posted apparently).
Anyways, I just want to let you know about my absolute favourite quotes from TEL and gave my thoughts about them :3
Even before I have my physical copy of the book I have been preparing myself by re-reading TEL and when it finally came it really feels like I’m reading it for the very time by relieving every romantic exchanges; shocking discovery; funny moments and also enjoying the beautiful artwork that accompany the stories has been such a joyful delight back in December of 2021.
I was at the halfway point of the book when school stuff kept me busy yet again, but I picked back up again in July of 2022 and continued from then on and I finished it today as I write this comment, rejuvinated with overflowing memories at how much I praise this story and the Enchanted-verse series :’)
At first time read, I dismissed this moment quickly since the next chapter will explain the backstory of how everything happened, but after what I’ve been through in 2022, I began to treasure this passage with my whole heart at how much I related to twilight’s struggles and what rarity said its true and what I kept in my mind to motivate me every now and then >:3
Both of these moments. Every single time I re-read I always find myself bawling my eyes out at how much I adore the meaningful sibling relationship between spike and twilight both in the canon show and in the Enchanted-verse series :’)
Now this is a hit or miss moment where I’m glad that I caught upon it again at my physical copy re-reading 🙂
It pains me that to add this just because of how cathartic and truthful twilight corruption of chaos magic is that I just had to include it :(((
THE MOMENT TWILIGHT REALIZED THAT HER SELF GUILT AND HATRED DON’T MATTER ANYMORE 😀
I friggin love this moment like twilight re-analysing everything about the barrier and herself while having that confident and hopeful attitude 🙂
Everything about this is just pure perfection.The very final push that twilight needed for her freedom is something all that we aspire to do in overcoming our struggles 🙂
Thank you, Mono for creating such an iconic tale that helped so many of us feel acknowledged; loved and remembered every single time we revisit them (aka TEL; TEK; TEC). Take your time and we will not rush you on writing TEC wether you feel like or not 🙂 In the meantime I can also enjoy your other works that I haven’t catch up upon like your amazing one shots (aka Nothing Special or Great) and might be considering to start reading Crimpson Lips, once I finished re-reading both TEK and TEC :0
Love you always, Mono<333
From your dear friend cvb/cal
I absolutely love The Enchanted Library. I consume a lot of art. For decades I have been looking for something that really gets this emotion. No television show, no movie, no podcast, no short story, no novella, no novelette, and no novel has ever gotten to what it feels like. Except, of course, The Enchanted Library (& sequels!) has ever understood this emotion. I have never felt like anyone I know understands how much this hurts and how much it hurts to have it so often and for so long, until Twilight Sparkle. Your Twilight Sparkle.
I read TEL and TEK for the first time in the summer of 2020, just a few months after I started watching MLP. I finished in (I think) a week in a half, because I couldn’t put them down. I was sad for about 10 minutes that it wasn’t finished. Then, I read the whole thing again, this time in a week. It is still, by far, my favorite MLP fanfiction, and in the top five of my favorite stories to read.
I love your fantastical realism–or magical realism or whatever it’s called. I sometimes feel like symbology is so arbitrary(?) in it’s inclusion. My favorite example of this arbitrariness is the ending to The Awakening. Basically, there’s this really important symbol in The Awakening, where the sea is meant to symbolize the pressures of society at large. At the end of the book (spoilers for an 1870s pseudo-feminist text that’s okay, I guess), the main character walks into the sea, drowning herself in order to escape the pressures of society. This kind of works in the story, but there’s so little build up to the suicide that it just doesn’t really work for me. Additionally, the suicide is not written in a particularly moving scene and it begs the question: “why doesn’t she just leave?” It’s somewhat clear in the novel that she has ways of leaving her situation, and has the money for that freedom. But she just… chooses not to? And it feels really weird in the book. In contrast, the cloak as above was really well done, as was the chaos magic, the necklace, and a bunch of other things I’m sure I’m forgetting right now, because I haven’t reread the story in months (been meaning to though).
I got inspired to start writing myself because of you and—though I really haven’t done much—I’ve been very happy with what I have done.
Honestly, I’m already very happy I got to see Twilight get over her (at least some of) her issues in TEL and TEK. But, I would love to see the ending these characters get. I’m ecstatic to see where the series goes. Know that I—at least—will follow this series as far as it can go. If this series starts being written exclusively in Ancient Yiddish, I will learn. If I have to decipher [url]The Riemann Hypothesis,https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riemann_hypothesis[/url], I will (at least try to, lol).
Happy writing,
Hope you get a better job soon,
Violet
First thing I want you to know is don’t think that your writing does not matter. It’s just the curse of all great artist that they can never see how there art affects there viewers so I want to tell you. I have never been much of a reader before I started to read the Enchanted Library it had been about 5 years since the last book I had read. I have never been much for reading it’s just hard for me to care about a character on a page when I can’t see them, but with your writing I could see every book in Twilights Library and every tear that Rarity shed when she thought she would never see Twilight again. Your writing is so beautiful and it pains me to see you having such a hard time. As a fan of your writing I should be banging on the wall demanding more writing but I won’t. I care more that you are happy. Don’t force yourself to write do what makes you happy you owe your fans nothing it’s us that owes you.
Second I want you to know that you do matter. I know that it sometimes can be hard to see but you do matter your writing matters. There are people who care and I know it means little from some random person on the internet but I care. Your writing has just meant so much to me and so I am writing this message. I don’t know if it helps I feel like your Twilight who has locked your self away and your friends and fans are Rarity sitting in front of the force field hoping you can here us and comeback.
I hope you feel better and just remember there is always a rainbow somewhere over the horizon your just need to find it.
One of the great regrets of my life:
Was being the only member of the Royal Canterlot Library who couldn’t make it to Bronycon when we all voted Enchanted Library as Best Ponyfic. One of the points I would’ve made if I’d been there would’ve specifically compared TEL to the fic that ended up coming in 2nd, Eakin’s Hard Reset.
Hard Reset, for folks who haven’t read it, has Twilight looping back in time over and over again trying to stop the destruction of everything she loves, and it’s quite the roller coaster of suspense. And yet, nothing in that story made my chest clench as tightly as the scene in chapter 29 of TEL, a scene where all that really happens is two characters going out to dinner.
But because of everything that’s come before, the care you took to establish those characters and the situation and the relationship you put them into, that simple scene absolutely overflows with tension. That’s hard to do, and you do it really well.
Mike
Howdy.
So, the first thing that I should probably establish is that I’m probably not the type of person you would expect to be here.
More specifically, I’ve… never read any of the stories you talked about in this post.
Also, I’m not actually a fan of My Little Pony.
Yeah, I’m not really sure how I found my way here either. After reading this, though, I’m glad I did.
What I was getting at with the above is that I’m a bit of an outsider here, so it may be beneficial to keep that in mind when you read my perspective. That being said, after doing some reading, there are a few things that I think you should know.
The first thing is that it is very evident that people here really care about this Enchanted series of yours. I started reading around – I viewed the larger stories that you have on this site, and I went to that “Fimfiction” place and checked things out there. In both places, the comments are filled with people that are genuinely, exceptionally engrossed in your writing. Somebody on the epilogue of the first book described it as a “wonderful, wonderful piece of work.” Somebody else says that after reading it, they were “totally emotionally and physically exhausted.” A third individual even credits The Enchanted Library with changing their opinion of the romance genre as a whole. The fact that your book has that sort of effect on people is absolutely crazy, Mono. The second one’s epilogue has similar comments; someone considers it “one of the best on [Fimfiction],” and another says that the story was one they were “Very happy to have been able to read.” The following is a comment on the second chapter of The Enchanted Carousel: “You can’t even imagine how much I adore your works. It’s not just adoration, it’s almost painful obsession. Every book, every story, every chapter, every paragraph and every dialogue is incomparable, the purest ambrosia, which it is impossible to get enough of.” That’s what people think of your work, Monochromatic. For a lot of these people, the words that you wrote have had a real, powerful impact on them. If I had enough time and space, I would list so many more comments here. Many of them are multiple paragraphs long, and they’re filled with descriptions of what this series means to them personally. All of this isn’t even mentioning the fact that you got a fair amount of people to follow you to this website. People wouldn’t do this if they didn’t care, Mono. And after spending about an hour reading these things, I can assure you that they very much do.
The second thing that I think is important for you to know is that however you choose to press forward – whether you take up writing works for The Enchanted again in the near future or not – you won’t be burning any bridges. If you make the decision to set down your pen for a bit, you’re not permanently restricting yourself from coming back to these stories later. If you need to take a break – stop writing stories for a few months, a year, two years, or even longer while you take care of things happening in your life – that is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. Your loyalty to your readers is genuinely touching, but you also need to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself. Your writing will be better for it, and you yourself will be in better health because of it. And, again, you’re not hitting the nuclear button by taking a break. I’m positive that your audience will understand, especially if you leave a quick status update on here every month or two letting people know where you’re at.
Ultimately, I think you need to know that people really, really care about this Enchanted series of yours. I can tell that there’s a great deal of them that have been genuinely moved by what they read. And if someone like me – someone who has never read these stories, has never watched the show, and has no idea who these characters are – can see that, then you’ve accomplished quite a bit with this series of yours. That being said, you also need to keep yourself and your health in mind; if taking a quick (or long) break is necessary to maintain yourself, then you should absolutely do that. Again, putting down your projects for some time is not abandoning them.
Ha… honestly, reading all these responses to your works makes me want to read a few of them myself.
This response is… longer than I intended it to be, so I apologize for that. I would, however, like to finish it off with what I believe to be an incredible summary for what The Enchanted has done for some of the people that read it.
The following comment was left by one “FantasySketch” on the Epilogue of The Enchanted Library on June 23rd, 2017.
“Congratulations. Many times over.
Continuing and completing an entire book like this is hard work! It’s hard to stick with writing like this, but the end product is beyond rewarding. You have done an amazing job with this piece and have brought a wonderfully emtional and inspiring literature work into the lives of so many. I’m not a big writer myself, but I know how hard it can be to persevere. Despite the struggles, you have don it. Book one, completed. Can you imagine? This long journey has come to the place many thought it would never reach. The possibilities for the future are endless. Book two, which I do not deny, I desperately hope that you will write. Whether you continue this story or not, I will forever cherish the feelings and hours I have spent reading and experiencing with this tale. I wish there were more words to express my emtions of gratitude, shock, ease, wonder, and so many more that fill me with awe. Your writing has swayed me like no other, and I enjoy every word of it. Good luck in the next chapter of your own life story, and thank you.
Thank you so very much.
-Fantasy”
Good luck, Monochromatic.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with so much right now, but I know it will get better for you eventually.
I stayed up late several nights in a row in order to read all of what the TEL universe had to offer. Even in my sleep deprived state, I would still retain how you wrote morals, characterizations, relationships, action, and everything else because of how wonderfully well you wrote each and every one of those things. Your skills for visualization are impeccable, and the symbolism for everything is amazing. The turning points for both TEL and TEK are breath-taking, exciting, nerve-wracking, and lots of other ways to describe what a good turning point should make the reader feel. Your writing makes me care about more than just the end goal, it also makes me care about what it takes to get there, with conflicts and resolutions and so, SO many moments that tug at the heartstrings. RariTwi is what led me to this series in the first place, and although I love the serious moments surrounding them, I also absolutely ADORE the little slice-of-life bits that is just them being cute together! The fact that I would squeal and kick my legs like a teenager is embarrassing, but for this series admitting that I did so is worth it. I forever hope that you may find the health, energy, and inspiration to continue writing for all of your fics, but I will be the first to admit that I am incredibly selfish and will root for the TEL universe the most, as I have no shame in the fact that it is my favorite. Thank you for doing what you do, and may you continue to do so.
Mono, just… be okay. Monitor Your health – both physical and mental. We need You alive and kicking.
To be honest, i had never really been a fan of ships in mlp, and for the most part, felt that the fanfiction writing for it had never been up to actual fiction par, but then I read TEL series and fell in love. Your writing is so spectacular that I easily could have been convinced it was a real book, the way you take the characters and completely change them while still keeping them true to their core is amazing! yes, these characters still feel like mlp, but to me it feels like i’m reading an entirely new generation of mlp characters, and I love it! You even got me invested in your raritwi, feeling like a giddy child when they agree to work out their trauma and their relationship, so while I would love to see TEC be finished, thank you Mono for giving us such an amazing story and read even if if it never sees its completion <3
Hi, Mono. Your stories have always entertained and inspired me, the Enchanted series most especially so. The way you show the affection, commitment and pain that Rarity and Twilight share has made me smile, cry and thrill to their adventures together. You made me love this series and the characters.
Along with Crimson Lips, they are the stories are show to everyone your talent and the beautiful stories you’ve created.
I’m sorry things have been so difficult and stressful for you. I hope you know how much you’re cared about. Please remember that as much as you are admired for your writing, you’re thought of even More because you are a wonderful person.
If you need to step away from writing, be it for a month a year or ten years, we will understand. Your health, mental and physical, is more important than any story that we enjoy. But I hope you can continue TEC and Safire Eyes. I’m not the only one that is so invested in RariTwi love!
Most importantly, Mono, take care of yourself. And remember we’re all here for you. *hugs*
I feel your pain. Almost every modern writer has, I’m sure. Our current environment of late-stage capitalism does this to tons of people. Being treated as a vessel from which to extract labor and profit and not as an individual with a life and dreams is generally bad for one’s mental health. So, make your own hope. Fight for a place where you can be happy. Quit your soul-crushing job like I did mine. Surround yourself with caring friends and family. Turn your depression into determination to improve yourself and the world. Have you recently been shot at or scammed out of half your money? No? Then you’re in a better place than many already. Heck, you’re way more popular an author than I am, but I didn’t let any lingering doubts in my own talent or envy of others’ success stop me from self-publishing a 100,000 word novel last month. Take pride in yourself and your numerous achievements! Whatever the future holds for you, I’ll be right there with you. That’s not much coming from an acquaintance you met exactly once, but if you ever need advice, I’m available.