It’s Always In Alleys

Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle had been the best detectives in town for as long as it mattered. Which was from the second they’d got their start at the Celestial Private Detective Agency, obviously. All the detectives before they got there were good-for-nothings so screw ‘em. 

And yet. 

And yet, despite being a dynamic duo consisting of the coolest and smartest private eye ever and also Twilight Sparkle—who was cool and awesome in her own way—their career was in jeopardy. 

All because of one woman.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t my favorite pair of private detectives in the entire city.”

The bewitching masked master thief, Lady Gemstone. There she stood before the two detectives in the middle of an alley, a bag full of stolen jewels casually slung over her shoulder.

“You’re getting sloppy, Gemstone,” Rainbow said, gripping her gun and bringing it to bear on Gemstone “Real sloppy. You were caught by every single goddamn camera in the store.”

Gemstone laughed, delighted. “Was I? Did I look good? I’ve been working on my acting, you know.”

“Well, it sucks,” Rainbow spat. 

Gemstone snorted. “Oh? It sucks? Oh stars! I’m so hurt! I’m crying!” She looked to Twilight. “Detective Twilight, look at me. Don’t I look ever so hurt? Can you see me crying?”

“She’s right,” Twilight cooly replied, her gun aimed at Gemstone. “Not about the sucking.” She turned to Rainbow Dash, her eyebrow raised. “‘It sucks’ as a comeback? Come on, I know you can do better than that, Rainbow.” She then turned back to Gemstone, tilting her head slightly. “You’re getting sloppy. Every police station in the city has video footage of you now. Lots of it. We’ve talked about this before. That’s bad for all of us, Rarity.”

Rainbow Dash froze at that. So did Gemstone. 

“Why, I’m sure I have no clue what you’re talking about, detective, or who you’re talking about! Rarity? Who’s she?” Gemstone said, her voice suddenly strained—not so much in a frightened way, but more a… how to put this delicately… a ‘What the hell are you saying’ way. 

“Uhhhh, Twilight? What the fuck?” Rainbow Dash similarly hissed, her eyes darting to the cameras nearby. She then tried to recover, straightening herself and laughing loudly. “I mean! Ha ha! Twilight means bad for all of us because we’re going to have so many new responsibilities after we turn you in, and because you’ll be in jail!” She looked to Twilight. “Right?”

Gemstone replied with a screeching laughter of her own, dropping the bag to the floor behind her. “You? Turn me in? Hah!” She clapped. “Now that’s a good joke!”

“You’re a joke!” Rainbow shot back, stamping her foot on the ground. “Just like your acting!”

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” Twilight interrupted, smiling ever so slightly, “but if any of you had listened to what I said last Saturday night at my place, which I knew you wouldn’t because when do you ever listen to me, you’d remember street cameras in the Lunar neighborhood don’t record audio feed.”

“…Oh,” said Rainbow Dash, her gun still aimed at Gemstone. 

“…Sorry,” added Gemstone, also known as Rarity Belle. 

“Yeah,” replied Twilight. 

“Wait, hold on a moment,” Rarity said, and for the first time, her haughty tone dropped, replaced instead with genuine hurt. Her eyes could barely meet Rainbow Dash’s. “You… You really think my acting sucks?”

Rainbow faltered. Ah, crap. 

“What?” she sputtered, still trying to act cool for the video feed, which was easy because she was cool. “What! No. I was just saying that! Duh!”

“No, you mean it,” Rarity insisted, her brows creasing in anger. She stabbed a finger in Rainbow’s direction. “You really think my acting is bad. Don’t lie to me, Rainbow.”

“I don’t!” she insisted. She glanced at Twilight, helpless. “Twilight! Back me up here!”

Twilight snorted. “I’m staying out of this.”

“You’re my girlfriend! You’re supposed to back me up!” Rainbow protested. 

“Yes, and as your girlfriend who loves you and wants you to grow, I’m supporting you by letting you deal with your own messes.”

“Ugh!” She mulled it over and then took a step forward, her gun still up. Her eyes glanced towards the camera. “Look. I’m just going to step forward, and—”

“Step forward? Not because you care for me, obviously,” Rarity pointed out, smiling acidly. “All for the sake of the camera, I assume. Same as the gun you’re pointing at me. Well! Come now, darling, don’t do it for show. Shoot me! Should be easy considering you’ve no qualms shooting down my hobbies.”

“Rares,” Rainbow whined. “Come on, cut me some slack!” She stepped forward again, her expression softening as her gun lowered a few inches “Rarity. Hey. You know I—” 

It happened very fast. One second, she was standing and pointing a gun, the second she was restrained on the floor, Rarity’s arm around her neck and the barrel of her gun kissing her own temple. 

“Rarity!” Rainbow gasped, not out of pain—Rarity was barely touching her neck—but more out of sheer indignation. “The hell!”

“Oh, come now, darling. You didn’t really think I took offense to that, now did you? But I guess you must have. Silly Rainbow.” She glanced up at Twilight. “At this rate, I’ll win acting awards for certain!”

Twilight laughed. “Maybe a nomination, sure.”

“I hate the both of you,” Rainbow hissed. “Both of you.”

“You love us,” Rarity purred, depositing an almost imperceptible kiss on the back of Rainbow’s head. 

“Rarity,” Twilight said, her tone turning serious. “You’re barely keeping out of the public eye. This is the fifth robbery this month. I don’t know if we can keep letting you get away with this.”

“And I told you that my love for diamonds is as blinding as my love for you two, so I’m afraid I cannot please you in this way, dearest. Besides, I only steal from rich assholes, you know that. I’m a modern day Robin Hood! Rainbow Dash has somewhat loose morals so she’d take me regardless—”

“Hey!”

“—but you certainly wouldn’t have fallen for me if you didn’t think those cucumber sandwiches deserved it. Admit it, Twilight.”

When Twilight failed to reply, Rarity giggled like a schoolgirl. “That’s what I thought. And can you blame me?” Rainbow couldn’t see her, obviously, but she could feel Rarity fluttering her eyelashes. “It doesn’t make it any less tempting when it’s always you two coming after me. How can a poor girl resist?”

“Rares,” Rainbow whined, pretending to struggle against her. “You can’t keep doing this! You know how this looks on our record?! At this rate, we’re going to have to bring you in just so Blueblood doesn’t get promoted over me!”

“Oh, I hadn’t thought of that,” Rarity hummed. “I’m sure a house visit would distract Detective Blueblood long enough you can do something about it. I do hear he has some lovely paintings.”

“Rarity!” the two detectives snapped. 

And then Rainbow added, “Oh, shit! But then you could give it to us, and can you imagine the look on his face if Twi and I are the ones to recover all his stupid things?”

“Rainbow!” Twilight snapped. 

“Oooooh! I do love the sound of that, love.”

“Rarity!” Twilight emboldened her aim towards them, which was mostly for show since they always carried blanks when going after Rarity. “We are not stealing from Blueblood just to make us look good!”

Her two significant others pouted in unison. “Aw.”

“Look, we have to take you in,” Twilight continued. “We have to. If word gets out that Celestial Agency’s best detectives keep failing to apprehend Lady Gemstone, it’ll be a bad look for us, and we’ll get less funding for when we need to actually go after real criminals.”

“I am a real criminal, excuse you!”

“So, either you lay low for the next few months, or you let us take you in.”

Rarity whined. “But…”

“Oh, come on, Rares,” Rainbow said, trying to be supportive. “We’re handing you over to Ponyville PD. You’ll bust out of their car before they can even take you to the nearest station.”

After a minute’s hesitation, Rarity relented. “Oh, fine. Fine! But you two better be waiting for me at my apartment with a fully cooked meal and skimpy clothes to match.”

“Great,” Twilight said, reaching for her cuffs with her free hand. “Rainbow will subdue you for the camera feed, and I’ll cuff you.” 

“Ooooh! Subdue me, you say? My, my. Promise you’ll be rough, dearest?”

“What?!” Rainbow gasped. “It’s my turn to cuff her! You always cuff the perps!”

“Ooooh, my darling,” Rarity said to Rainbow, clearly having the time of her life. “I didn’t know you were into that! Exciting! And next time, I’ll cuff both of you!”

“You two keep me out of this.”